Status

I guess now everything is finally over to you. 

you finally made that move. 

i respect it. 

but for the past weeks, it has been something that i have been checking at least 3 times a day. 

i reli do hope it's not an end for us, but what am i to ask anymore? 

like i said, wait till i stand up again... 

I will never be able to cover or to ask for forgiveness for the pressure and things i have put you through, but i always hope, love can bring us further then where we are. 

i still, hope. 

i still, love. 

i still, trying. 

i still.... 

Same old brand new you

If this thought come across my mind "I think i need a new blog layout" 

It's highly possible that i could get down to it start looking for blogskin and change it without a night. 

and 

If i think that i need a new hairstyle, i could just visit saloon tml and get a hair do. 

but when u wan to unroot something that has always been there, it's not an overnight thing. 

固执算不算任性的要求

付出也可能看不到结果 终于你还是选择了放手

用逃避 让感情犯错 

If people out there still doesnt know me that why, you probably does know that i love to keep old stuffs as remembrance to my past. 

if you do step into my house and been given a close tour to my house, u will find that i have my primary text books from Brunei, Primary 4 5 6 Science Text Books, piles and piles of papers that i have collected since form 1? 

To many many, this might be rubbish or something that not worth keeping, but to me, it sort of tells me how far i have come, things i have gone thru, memories that follows with it. Now it makes it clear why i have always love sciences. Not that my businesses not good or that my managment not good, fyi i do scored in my Managment first year and during pre U days but i guess i just have been fancied science even since young, this has been my passion. But where is the passion now? 

Besides all these, i skip keep many things, believe it or not, if you have once send me a card in standard 6 or form 1, there are chances that im still having it. 

If you given me a bookmark as high school graduation gift, it's still with me (HX!) or just a plain gift (Farah - Pre departure gift, Kimberly- a bookmark with a cheering up pharse, Carmen- 21st bday present)

If you went to holiday and brought me home a key chain, chances are it's now hanging under my bed. (CY- from many parts of the world, CW- Korea, Sue May- UK, PC- Australia, Leng- Lego, yUn- China) 

If you have given me a present, chances are the wrapper is still here! Dont be surprised (Oh i dun think i can name specifically which one belongs to who). 

If you are looking for the name list from form 3, it's still in my file. 

If you are looking for SPM paper for 2003, i have the whole set with me here. 

Gift from ex-gf can still be found in my house, that might not be fair to any girl that im dating but yes, that's my past and i do hope whoever it is to be able to accept it.

If you are looking for those pocket photo we took from those machince back in secondary, it's stil safely kept in my cupboard. (Imm wurn... Carmen, CL, PChew) 

Well and of coz, if u have given me a present for it be birthday or not, of coz u expect me to keep it rite and well why not of all things?   

Now that is all said and done

I cant believe you are the one 

to build me up and tear me down

So what does it sum up about me? 

Im a dead loser? 

Im a person who goes for sentimental value? 

Im a junker? 

Im a person who cant let go of the past? 

Loser, if you think i am, so are you. 

Sentimental value, it does means alot to me, how can a person live without feelings

Junk collector, it could be junk to you, but it does means something to me. 

Cant let go of the past? I dun think so, it's just that, im build from the past, what i am today has to be all this things that have shaped and moulded the me today. 

Im all out of love, 

Im so lost without you, 

I know you were right, 

believing for so long

What are you thinking now 

What are you thinking now? 

Besides that, i love "medals" or "souvenirs" or "trophy" in things i have achieved. I'm like Voldermort if you do read Harry Potter and the half blood prince, you will know what im talking about. 

I know that material things are not important. Is what you gain that counts. but maybe im someone that has to see with my eyes. 

I have certificates, to remind me of my achievment and what i could do and the times i have done it. 

I have sports medal that tell me that even though im not very good but i was still good enough to have one. 

I have all sorts of "backstage passes"- Meetings with YAB Deputy Prime Minister, Participation in forum, seminar, classes etc 

I have plenty of button pin, name tags, badges... that's wat i have earned.  

Cause you're everywhere to me

when I close my eyes, its you I see

everything that I know makes me believe Im not alone 

So, what is so bad about it? When u play games, when u achieve something, it gives u badges, rewards and etc, rite? it makes you happy because you will smile on the hard work you have put in to get that and it makes u feels like u have achieved something. 

i guess that's wat all these stuffs have does the same. 

But now, all these means very little to me, somehow. It tells me what i can do, it tells me what i have achieved, it tells me how hard the journey had been, it tells me that i have been thru hard times as well. But without my own faith, own believe, own confident, all these seems nothing. 

So, mayb i should conclude that, all these time, these medal, trophy and stuffs, is just a reinforcement on to my already-confident self. 

I dont deny that when im a bit down, i go thru them and i found back the "ummph" but mayb because i had yet to lose myself, i have yet to lose confidence in myself, unlike the time now. 

Therefore, i would have to seek you, my confident. 

"Shall we talk? " I hope that you have been well and strong as well. I miss you, lots.

i do wonder, if i will come across your mind when you are all alone?  

"The first step in the process, i shall be able to like myself, find the reason Im living in this world. "

In order to stand up, i realized that it's about starting to like myself and to find the purpose in life or at least to let me know that there's a reason for me to live in this world. 

My reason before this was easy, to get pass everyday with a happy feeling and also to someday worked something out in the corporate world. But now, i wonder what is the reason. 

Instead of looking for a paid job, i will now go and do some so called soul searching. I will have to determine what is the factor that could bring me satisfaction, which in a way hard to tell because i have always been trying lots of water. I love doing many things, and many things in life brings me satisfaction. but now, when i have to determine something that will bring me much satisfaction, i cant determined. Before this, some small thing could also make my day, for example, a person approached me for advise, and i offer advice and the person is happy. 

I like to talk. That's pretty obvious. I enjoy using my words to touch people's heart. But is there a thing like this to do in the world? or at least without any qualification? I wonder. 

many has asked me to let go, i though about it, but i did not want to, not becuase i couldnt let go, and not because im stubborn, but its because i love you. 

Yesterday something hit me bad. When gor told me that looking at my condition, i will only be able to stand up in 1-2 years. That got me bad. I tot it will only take me 1-2 months, never have i known that it takes such long time. nevertheless, i still will stand up and stand tall hopefully in a shorter period. 

It took me long enough to realised how much i love you, the times that i had wasted and never appreciate you, that i know, i will never be able to replenish it for you.

I will, stand up, nothing to do with anyone or anything, but for myself so that i could see the happy and cheerful JasonC that i have always been. It takes time, and my behaviour of loving to get things done fast isnt helping. But i will still have to try, for a better future. 

'Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive, not 2 c but 2 understand, not 2 hear but 2 listen, not 2 let go but 2 HOLD ON !!!! '

'Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love. '

I saw the 2 sentences from Kimhan's Blog when i was blog hopping today.

时间过了 走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这
真的痛了

如果你看得見， 我想告訴你， 我还沒放棄， 只像讓你有點空間

Time

People always says,

Time, it can cure many thing
Time, will heal a wound

but besides all these positive things, do you know time kills as well?
Time also ruin what was builded with time.

Time. What a special thing.

4 scenarios,

Right time and Right action = Right Move, Perfect.
Wrong time, Wrong action = Wrong Move.
Wrong time, Right action = Wrong Move
Right time, Wrong action = Wrong Move

There's only 1/4 chances that an action can paired with a time and end up being perfect.

Maybe that's why things arent just so perfect all the time, we always take the wrong move.

I have done nasty things, at the wrong time. Of coz when you ask me i would say i wished that i have not done any of it, but truth is, what is done is done, when it's a wrong move, no matter wat you tried to do to change it, it will never be right again.

So, why try to make it right again? But no, we want to make it right so that we move, we move forward, we move on, we advance, we grow.... but in the terms of growing, what u have learnt will become a lesson, you will turn back one day and think: oh yeah that was the mistake and i never do it again. But the questions is, will what you lost be worth it? Or is what u have currently better than the past? WE could only hope that it is. But wat if it's not? We can only take the history back and appreciate it as an art, an art that will only stays as good as a memory.

"Present, is what you should focus on" a very best fren of mine said to me the other day. Why look into the future when u know nothing about it and becoz of the future u ruin ur present. It makes sense but what is there to live if you stop having Hope, stop having dreams? Well, Hope and Dreams always fails us so we should only live in the present and live the present to the fullest.

To conclude this post, there's a line i learnt from this very best fren of mine that reli hit many things thru my mind tonite.
"Fill up ur own cup with love before u can do so for the others" If ur cup is not filled, why would u wan to fill other's cup full first. "Love yourself before you love others" .

It was such a beautiful line.

I still love you, but things got tricky. I will stand up before i make anymore moves. i hope time heals and not kill.

才知道　你脸上的微笑　
不是幸福代表　
是种不自在的礼貌

才知道　感情已经动摇　
我一直被误导　
是你还不愿意揭晓

太多小烦恼　怪我们不懂得抛　
太多的问号　答案也都不必找
只换来疲劳　忘了要一起变老

为何要无话可说　才懂沉默比争吵难熬
为何会在恨消失后 爱还是挽回不了
为何要在疼爱的时候　才对我说离开我　
都是为我好