Despite every thing that happens 

I hope you never forget about me

I will still be waiting 

I'm sorry for all I have done 

I wont say that if I'm given a chance, 

I will do things the other way round

but instead, 

if you would come back into my life 

i guess things will be different for us

Although I told you that i will try to forget, 

but that's easier to be said than done, 

and after all these while, 

i felt that why would i want to deny myself again, 

why do i have to tell myself to forget about you

when i know that very well that i love you very much

However, 

my life still goes on no matter how much i despises it 

i would have to live it to the fullest 

and make every moment that comes

and be happy always

i hope the same applies to you

I cant hope for anything, 

I cant dream of anything, 

but I just wish that, 

you will not forget about me in such a short time, 

not as friends, 

but as a companion for life, 

if, that's what i could be.

i know i said i will try to forget about you soon, i know i said that, but i rather i did not make that decision that day, cause my heart really does stays with you. 

It's funny, how real life can be so different. Why can other chase for love so much and that they are so in love and everything, but when it comes to real life, at least when it comes to me, it seems like they say love is not everything, love from your family members and friends are more important? If im not in love so deeply, how do i get my own "family" member next time? plenty of question arise in my head these few weeks, so many things i have seen and want to blog about, but i just doesnt want to blog. 

I'm fine now, I'm ok now... i guess i wont say im excellent until you are back into my life, or when things starts to change. 

i have been waking up to nightmares and always wakes up with cold sweats for the pass 2 weeks.... im afraid, im afraid, i donoe what lies in front of me....

人的內心到底有多孤獨 光從外表是看不出來的

Status

I guess now everything is finally over to you. 

you finally made that move. 

i respect it. 

but for the past weeks, it has been something that i have been checking at least 3 times a day. 

i reli do hope it's not an end for us, but what am i to ask anymore? 

like i said, wait till i stand up again... 

I will never be able to cover or to ask for forgiveness for the pressure and things i have put you through, but i always hope, love can bring us further then where we are. 

i still, hope. 

i still, love. 

i still, trying. 

i still.... 

Same old brand new you

If this thought come across my mind "I think i need a new blog layout" 

It's highly possible that i could get down to it start looking for blogskin and change it without a night. 

and 

If i think that i need a new hairstyle, i could just visit saloon tml and get a hair do. 

but when u wan to unroot something that has always been there, it's not an overnight thing. 

固执算不算任性的要求

付出也可能看不到结果 终于你还是选择了放手

用逃避 让感情犯错 

If people out there still doesnt know me that why, you probably does know that i love to keep old stuffs as remembrance to my past. 

if you do step into my house and been given a close tour to my house, u will find that i have my primary text books from Brunei, Primary 4 5 6 Science Text Books, piles and piles of papers that i have collected since form 1? 

To many many, this might be rubbish or something that not worth keeping, but to me, it sort of tells me how far i have come, things i have gone thru, memories that follows with it. Now it makes it clear why i have always love sciences. Not that my businesses not good or that my managment not good, fyi i do scored in my Managment first year and during pre U days but i guess i just have been fancied science even since young, this has been my passion. But where is the passion now? 

Besides all these, i skip keep many things, believe it or not, if you have once send me a card in standard 6 or form 1, there are chances that im still having it. 

If you given me a bookmark as high school graduation gift, it's still with me (HX!) or just a plain gift (Farah - Pre departure gift, Kimberly- a bookmark with a cheering up pharse, Carmen- 21st bday present)

If you went to holiday and brought me home a key chain, chances are it's now hanging under my bed. (CY- from many parts of the world, CW- Korea, Sue May- UK, PC- Australia, Leng- Lego, yUn- China) 

If you have given me a present, chances are the wrapper is still here! Dont be surprised (Oh i dun think i can name specifically which one belongs to who). 

If you are looking for the name list from form 3, it's still in my file. 

If you are looking for SPM paper for 2003, i have the whole set with me here. 

Gift from ex-gf can still be found in my house, that might not be fair to any girl that im dating but yes, that's my past and i do hope whoever it is to be able to accept it.

If you are looking for those pocket photo we took from those machince back in secondary, it's stil safely kept in my cupboard. (Imm wurn... Carmen, CL, PChew) 

Well and of coz, if u have given me a present for it be birthday or not, of coz u expect me to keep it rite and well why not of all things?   

Now that is all said and done

I cant believe you are the one 

to build me up and tear me down

So what does it sum up about me? 

Im a dead loser? 

Im a person who goes for sentimental value? 

Im a junker? 

Im a person who cant let go of the past? 

Loser, if you think i am, so are you. 

Sentimental value, it does means alot to me, how can a person live without feelings

Junk collector, it could be junk to you, but it does means something to me. 

Cant let go of the past? I dun think so, it's just that, im build from the past, what i am today has to be all this things that have shaped and moulded the me today. 

Im all out of love, 

Im so lost without you, 

I know you were right, 

believing for so long

What are you thinking now 

What are you thinking now? 

Besides that, i love "medals" or "souvenirs" or "trophy" in things i have achieved. I'm like Voldermort if you do read Harry Potter and the half blood prince, you will know what im talking about. 

I know that material things are not important. Is what you gain that counts. but maybe im someone that has to see with my eyes. 

I have certificates, to remind me of my achievment and what i could do and the times i have done it. 

I have sports medal that tell me that even though im not very good but i was still good enough to have one. 

I have all sorts of "backstage passes"- Meetings with YAB Deputy Prime Minister, Participation in forum, seminar, classes etc 

I have plenty of button pin, name tags, badges... that's wat i have earned.  

Cause you're everywhere to me

when I close my eyes, its you I see

everything that I know makes me believe Im not alone 

So, what is so bad about it? When u play games, when u achieve something, it gives u badges, rewards and etc, rite? it makes you happy because you will smile on the hard work you have put in to get that and it makes u feels like u have achieved something. 

i guess that's wat all these stuffs have does the same. 

But now, all these means very little to me, somehow. It tells me what i can do, it tells me what i have achieved, it tells me how hard the journey had been, it tells me that i have been thru hard times as well. But without my own faith, own believe, own confident, all these seems nothing. 

So, mayb i should conclude that, all these time, these medal, trophy and stuffs, is just a reinforcement on to my already-confident self. 

I dont deny that when im a bit down, i go thru them and i found back the "ummph" but mayb because i had yet to lose myself, i have yet to lose confidence in myself, unlike the time now. 

Therefore, i would have to seek you, my confident. 

"Shall we talk? " I hope that you have been well and strong as well. I miss you, lots.

i do wonder, if i will come across your mind when you are all alone?  

"The first step in the process, i shall be able to like myself, find the reason Im living in this world. "

In order to stand up, i realized that it's about starting to like myself and to find the purpose in life or at least to let me know that there's a reason for me to live in this world. 

My reason before this was easy, to get pass everyday with a happy feeling and also to someday worked something out in the corporate world. But now, i wonder what is the reason. 

Instead of looking for a paid job, i will now go and do some so called soul searching. I will have to determine what is the factor that could bring me satisfaction, which in a way hard to tell because i have always been trying lots of water. I love doing many things, and many things in life brings me satisfaction. but now, when i have to determine something that will bring me much satisfaction, i cant determined. Before this, some small thing could also make my day, for example, a person approached me for advise, and i offer advice and the person is happy. 

I like to talk. That's pretty obvious. I enjoy using my words to touch people's heart. But is there a thing like this to do in the world? or at least without any qualification? I wonder. 

many has asked me to let go, i though about it, but i did not want to, not becuase i couldnt let go, and not because im stubborn, but its because i love you. 

Yesterday something hit me bad. When gor told me that looking at my condition, i will only be able to stand up in 1-2 years. That got me bad. I tot it will only take me 1-2 months, never have i known that it takes such long time. nevertheless, i still will stand up and stand tall hopefully in a shorter period. 

It took me long enough to realised how much i love you, the times that i had wasted and never appreciate you, that i know, i will never be able to replenish it for you.

I will, stand up, nothing to do with anyone or anything, but for myself so that i could see the happy and cheerful JasonC that i have always been. It takes time, and my behaviour of loving to get things done fast isnt helping. But i will still have to try, for a better future. 

'Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive, not 2 c but 2 understand, not 2 hear but 2 listen, not 2 let go but 2 HOLD ON !!!! '

'Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love. '

I saw the 2 sentences from Kimhan's Blog when i was blog hopping today.

时间过了 走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐
你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这
真的痛了

如果你看得見， 我想告訴你， 我还沒放棄， 只像讓你有點空間

Time

People always says,

Time, it can cure many thing
Time, will heal a wound

but besides all these positive things, do you know time kills as well?
Time also ruin what was builded with time.

Time. What a special thing.

4 scenarios,

Right time and Right action = Right Move, Perfect.
Wrong time, Wrong action = Wrong Move.
Wrong time, Right action = Wrong Move
Right time, Wrong action = Wrong Move

There's only 1/4 chances that an action can paired with a time and end up being perfect.

Maybe that's why things arent just so perfect all the time, we always take the wrong move.

I have done nasty things, at the wrong time. Of coz when you ask me i would say i wished that i have not done any of it, but truth is, what is done is done, when it's a wrong move, no matter wat you tried to do to change it, it will never be right again.

So, why try to make it right again? But no, we want to make it right so that we move, we move forward, we move on, we advance, we grow.... but in the terms of growing, what u have learnt will become a lesson, you will turn back one day and think: oh yeah that was the mistake and i never do it again. But the questions is, will what you lost be worth it? Or is what u have currently better than the past? WE could only hope that it is. But wat if it's not? We can only take the history back and appreciate it as an art, an art that will only stays as good as a memory.

"Present, is what you should focus on" a very best fren of mine said to me the other day. Why look into the future when u know nothing about it and becoz of the future u ruin ur present. It makes sense but what is there to live if you stop having Hope, stop having dreams? Well, Hope and Dreams always fails us so we should only live in the present and live the present to the fullest.

To conclude this post, there's a line i learnt from this very best fren of mine that reli hit many things thru my mind tonite.
"Fill up ur own cup with love before u can do so for the others" If ur cup is not filled, why would u wan to fill other's cup full first. "Love yourself before you love others" .

It was such a beautiful line.

I still love you, but things got tricky. I will stand up before i make anymore moves. i hope time heals and not kill.

才知道　你脸上的微笑　
不是幸福代表　
是种不自在的礼貌

才知道　感情已经动摇　
我一直被误导　
是你还不愿意揭晓

太多小烦恼　怪我们不懂得抛　
太多的问号　答案也都不必找
只换来疲劳　忘了要一起变老

为何要无话可说　才懂沉默比争吵难熬
为何会在恨消失后 爱还是挽回不了
为何要在疼爱的时候　才对我说离开我　
都是为我好

逃兵

這條路到底會引導我到甚麼地步， 這是个未知數
步伐一天比一天的沈重， 一天比一天的難走
我到底还能承多久， 也是个未知數
請准許我當个逃兵， 離開這殘酷的世界

逃兵是要被軍法裁制的， 那就用軍法來曾制我吧！

輿世隔離

常常都可以聽說某某人在深山隱居了20年後， 回到現實生活中。。。

難到隱姓埋名，於世隔離真的有那麼容易嗎？

像我在城市里長大的小孩， 擁有著一班要好的朋友和家人， 再加上有个自己滿舒服的空間， 我真的就可以這樣的於世隔離嗎？

時常都可以看到人家在一生中有個轉磊點， 往往人生當中會有某一件事 是可以讓一個人的看法或一生都改變 但是這好像從沒發生過在我身上

難道我還要等到40／50／60／70 歲才會有轉磊點？

這只是我在巴士上突然想到的一些 random stuff...

hahah

想家

好想好想回家去 但是現在還不是時候

在想這辦法如何在假期時回去

希望一切順利吧

加油！努力！

First Saturday in Adeliade

I have been here since tuesday and it should be 4-5 days since i reached australia.

Well, honestly, this few days has not been the easiest day of my life as expected. I have experienced it before, back in canada few years back.

Something i should be glad this time is that my urge or going home are not that strong. i wont deny that i felt so bad that i wish to be home right away but well... at least i could still control on that, not like when i was in canada.

I have been here for so many days, other than the childhood fren that came with me, i have not actually met a fren yet... im suppose to have a few frens here but it's either i dun have thier contact or i have and dun dare to find them... im in desperate need to see familiar faces to meet familiar face before i head out to search for new frens and to meet people that are not malaysian or someone i familiar with...

i had became so desperate that at one point i just add a random fren's 2nd degree fren on facebook just becoz she is here and she's studing in flinders.

i reli need to see familiar faces.... sobs

16 Feb 2009

Malaysia, i bid you goodbye
My family and my girlfriend yUn, i bid u all good by as well
My dearest frens whom i cherish a lot, i bid you all goodbye as well

as of today, im leaving all these behind and setting foot into the land of kangaroos and crazy hot sun, Australia.

Well, it's not an easy journey from KL to Adelaide, not the physical journey but the mental and emotional journey... but with the support from baby, family and friends, it makes it easier... but stilll not easy...

Wai Chien if u reading this you are not alone in Monash... i experience the almost same thing as u... just that i din put my dirty shirts with detergent into the dryer lah... hahaha

17 Feb 2008

Homesick.

One word says it all... no point explainig further... the feelings are sad depressing...

till then...

Choices

I have come to realize that there are many choices that we are left to made.

Some, you would have think you made a right choice
Some, you would have think you made a bad choice

But in the end of the day, what determines a bad choice and what determines a right choice? I guess in my humble opinion, it would be a right choice are those outcome that is favourable to you; a bad choice simply just doesnt seems to go the way you want. That is just wat i think.