"The first step in the process, i shall be able to like myself, find the reason Im living in this world. "

In order to stand up, i realized that it's about starting to like myself and to find the purpose in life or at least to let me know that there's a reason for me to live in this world. 

My reason before this was easy, to get pass everyday with a happy feeling and also to someday worked something out in the corporate world. But now, i wonder what is the reason. 

Instead of looking for a paid job, i will now go and do some so called soul searching. I will have to determine what is the factor that could bring me satisfaction, which in a way hard to tell because i have always been trying lots of water. I love doing many things, and many things in life brings me satisfaction. but now, when i have to determine something that will bring me much satisfaction, i cant determined. Before this, some small thing could also make my day, for example, a person approached me for advise, and i offer advice and the person is happy. 

I like to talk. That's pretty obvious. I enjoy using my words to touch people's heart. But is there a thing like this to do in the world? or at least without any qualification? I wonder. 

many has asked me to let go, i though about it, but i did not want to, not becuase i couldnt let go, and not because im stubborn, but its because i love you. 

Yesterday something hit me bad. When gor told me that looking at my condition, i will only be able to stand up in 1-2 years. That got me bad. I tot it will only take me 1-2 months, never have i known that it takes such long time. nevertheless, i still will stand up and stand tall hopefully in a shorter period. 

It took me long enough to realised how much i love you, the times that i had wasted and never appreciate you, that i know, i will never be able to replenish it for you.

I will, stand up, nothing to do with anyone or anything, but for myself so that i could see the happy and cheerful JasonC that i have always been. It takes time, and my behaviour of loving to get things done fast isnt helping. But i will still have to try, for a better future.